Track Mangoes

This afternoon I spent all day in the campus center working on papers and studying. When I returned to my room this evening there was a very strange note tacked to my door. It read as follows.

This is an official notice from the Ottoman Empire that you are hereby excommunicated until further notice. PERPETRATOR: Jens Tamang.

The note was signed by three guys who live down the hall from me.

Now, before I post my response, I must mention that the guys who live down the hall and I have a little inside joke about the Ottoman Empire that has, I feel, now gotten way of hand. They have one ottoman (the foot stool kind) in their room. It's a little gray one. One day I walked into their room and there was magically, not one, but two gray ottomans. I declared that, from that moment on, the room would be known as the Ottoman empire.

Apparently I have offended the Ottomans. (Yeah what else is new: first the CA's are on me for saying that maybe women should take a little more sexual responsibility in college, then it's the ARC for saying that the Action Awareness Week points were classist, then it's the Queer Theoristas who wanted me to go to rehab for using the word 'fag', then it's every pig-headed-Mac-faux-liberal who's up in arms that someone would even suggest that Sarah Palin had anything to offer to the politcal discourse...why should I be surprised that the sultans from a distant past want it out with me. Oi.)

In rh here is my response to the Ottomans:

Dear Ottoman Empire,

What the heck?! I feel really hurt by the note you left on my door. That was really rude! I mean I have been really busy and, I mean, it's not my fault, OK? I really did like you, Ottoman Empire. Why couldn't we make this work? I'm SORRY. That said the choice to "excommunicate" me was yours to make and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I guess I support you in that decision, just like I support you in all your decisions. I hope that we can still be friends without having it be awkward.

But, you know, Ottoman Empire, during my time in exile I've met some really cool people. I think you guys actually know each other: Murad Bey, Ahmed Riza, Damad Mahmud Pasha and Prince Sabaheddin. I think they have Facebooks; I told you they were cool! lolz

Damad and Sabaheddin are especially cool. And you know what? You won't believe this! They're actually defectors from your Sultan's own royal fucking family.

Now I can take a joke and I can take "excommunication" but I think you really hurt these guys' feelings. If I were you, Ottoman Empire, I would watch my back. You wouldn't want a coup, would you? Because word on the street is that these guys are gonna start some shit called Young Turk Revolution. I'm not sure I want to join, but, you know, I have to be honest, I don't know what choice you've left me with.

What's it gonna be Ottoman Empire?

Sincerely yours
-the Nationalists

P.S. I don't like to start gossip but I heard that Austria wants get with your girl Bosnia-Herzegovina. You best keep an eye on her. Colonies aint' nothin but hos and tricks.

I guess Bosnia-Herza and I would get a long swimmingly: we both like getting annexed from behind.